The Last Post

I am never on anymore, never was much fo a blogger... I am much too embarassed to post most of my work and..though I am not much of a writer anyway.. I feel my time has come to an end..
Thank you to those who did actually suffer through most of my "written word" ..
Jenny(Aka Beatrice)

A Confession to you.

A Confession to you,
I thought you had always known
But with my squabbling tongue
And my ever wandering self
I have not been a whole person
to be able to give of myself.
To me a gaze has meant a thousand things
The comfort I feel and the moments of grace.
My own life, full of baggage and strife
I felt as though you would not even think twice.
But I can rest easy when I take my slumber.
Without fear of acknowledgment I tell you
I have felt more love with one simple glance
than in a thousand sonnets from other men.
For the connection I seek is no where with them.
And when the time has come,
When I am whole
I would hope to find someone like you,
to reach me through my inner soul.

Today I am excited to be able to go and spend the day with my brother, I have not been able to really spend as much time with him as I would like. My brother and I were always the closest in my family and though he is 10 years my senior we had a bond that seemed as though we were twins.As we grew, though, and he got his career and such it was harder and harder to keep the closeness that we once had.
Growing up I looked up to him and was like a father to me, yet a friend. In the crazy world we lived in I trusted him more than anyone, and though he seldom let me down, when he did I would become devastated. Then I would have to remember that he wasn't a super hero, he was just a human, even though I always put him on a pedestal. I was always afraid that when he left we would never get back what we once had, but as the years went on, though I wasn't able to run down and wake him up in the morning and annoy him as I once did. We still kept in touch and I always knew that if I really needed him, he would come.
There is always some comfort in a loved one moving away in knowing the simple fact that if you needed them, they would be there. In the relationships I have had with people, I always hoped that they would know that I would do that for them. My brother and I, though we were close, we joked around all the time and would say things to the other just to get a rise. Though we rarely hugged or said "I love you", it was something that we just knew.When he moved away, though, I wished we had been able to tell him that I missed him without feeling like a "girly girl". You see, I was a sort of "Tom Boy",and saying something like "I miss you" would be embarrassing for me. So when he left, I teased him one last time and waved goodbye.
That was a few years ago, and after a point when I really needed him and he came through for me, I was finally able to tell him how important he was to me.So now, as we spend the next few days together, I am really glad that we still Can tease each other but are still able to say "I Love you".

A Hymn I heard in Mass today

Today I was at mass and at the offertory they played my favorite hymn "Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence", I was struck at the beauty of it even more than usual since it has been quite awhile since I have heard it. The Words come from the Liturgy of St James in the Fourth Century, translated from Greek and the music comes from a French Carol from around 1906.
If you have ever heard this you must know how amazing it is, especially when sung in chorus. The words itself are so beautiful and when I hear them they cause me to feel the amazing power of God.
Here is a transcript of "Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence."
Let all Mortal Flesh Keep Silence,
And with fear and trembling stand;
Ponder nothing earthly minded,
For with blessing in his hand,
Christ our God to earth descendth,
Our full homage to demand.

King of Kings yet born of Mary,
As of old on earth He stood,
Lord of Lords ,in human vesture,
In the body and the blood;
He will give to all the faithful,
His own self for heavenly food.

Rank on rank the hosts of heaven,
Spreads its vanguard on the way,
As the light of lights descending,
From the realms of endless day,
That the powers of hell may vanish,
As the darkness clears away.

At His feet the six winged seraph,
Cherubim with sleepless eye,
Veil their faces to the prescence,
As with ceaseless voice we cry:
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia
Lord most High!
I hope, if you haven't already, you get to hear this someday.

My friend, the believer in Fairy's.

I think I am better at "journaling" than poetry, so here goes again.


Today I was with an old friend of mine, I met her when we were both eleven, our parents had put us into a "Canoe Camp". Two full days of non-stop water action.At that time in my youth, I was much more out-going than any of my peers, well more out-going than most anyone, I guess being in theater and having a big family gave me many lessons in the art of people and how to entertain them.
For the whole of the first day I roamed around aimlessly, and when we first connected it was a sort of magic that took place.My friend, Emily, was as outgoing than even I, we spent the whole of our 20 mile canoe ride singing and laughing, annoying, of course, everyone in our presence. At that time in my life I had hoped to be a child forever and after reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn I was convinced that I would go to the Mississippi and build a raft and simply live there.SO the whole of that Summer was spent in plotting and wearing nothing but my favorite pair of overalls and denim baseball cap.
Even as I grew I kept my childlike sense, though Emily sure had me beat in that regard. Though after awhile I grew to like the idea of growing old, I still kept my childlike sense, as I still try to keep up. My quiz has for true imagination and childlike thought has been Antoine De Saint-Exupery' work of art The Little Prince. If you get a chance open up the first page and without reading it look at the picture and state what you think it is, then read and find out what it means.
To this day I am sure Emily will be able to pass that test with flying colors. When I first met her I thought we were so similar, she loved One Saturday Morning (Cartoon Show) as much as I,and though I was raised much different than her and new more of the world than she, not to slam her.... but I did, but there was an underlying core of unity that after a few years I thought was lost for sure.
You see, as we grew into early teens, her "innocence" annoyed me to the point of anger, I once got so mad at her insistence that fairy's were real that I screamed so loudly and tried to "change" her to the ways of the world.After that instance I waited a long time before being with again, I felt terrible about getting so angry about Fairy's of all things. But after being with her after I realized that she was not ready to leave ideas like the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause and such. I was the kid who always found the gifts before they were wrapped and given, she was the child that even after having her parents have her pick out and buy the gifts with her only later to wrap them and say "from Santa" still insist Santa was real.
After being with her today and from times past, I have thought back on our childhood and though there were many times I was happy to be able to walk the streets of New York City and belong, even at age 6, I have wished too, that even for a little while to have the ability to simply believe and not care really what anybody else says, no matter the reality, and that, I believe , is the faith that Christ wishes all of us to have. Just think, to be able to simply believe.
I am so glad that fairy's didn't come between us after too long, that would have been a sad way to end a relationship......Fairy's.....

As a part of my blog I like to still have a "journaling" section, if you will, so here is another "entry".
Today I have decided to begin to finish all of the books that I have "half read". I have always had the problem of having too many ideas and too many directions, there have been times I have seriously thought of Veterinary school, Fashion Design, Psychology, Photography as a possible careers, I am still finding where I should be. The same thing applies to my "literary" life, I have begun many books only to put them down for others, e.g: Pride and Prejudice, there is a book many of my friends think that I would love, I don't know why, but though many of my girlfriends gush at the thought of Mr Darcy and Elizabeth, I still want to say "get on with it already!!!"
I am not saying, by any means, that Pride and Prejudice is a bad novel, it reminds me much of Dickens Pickwick Papers, very enjoyable for a day at the beach to get lost in, but when I am on the bus or in my Papasan chair after a long day of work and school I like to read drama, Death of a Salesman, Long Days journey into night, Tomorrow will be Better etc.
So today I have vowed to finish the list of books I have begun and finish them, if I can get through Lolita, I believe I can get through anything. (No offense to lovers of Nabokov, I just thought it was odd and unnecessary)

Some of my old works.



The Worries.

The worries which stand before me,

I will not fear, for they are nothing in comparison

to the strength in which you bear.

I need not fret with You by my side
For the thing which wounds me
Will be pulled out of tide.

You are stronger than all of your
adversaries and the power you posses
you do not scorn.

You are just and merciful and compassionate to all.
When I walk in the darkness and don't see the light
I do not fear.
Because you are my Lord and you never disappear.


The Masquerade
A Masquerade Ball has so often been seen
As something playful and not very keen.

I look to it thought and I can often seem.
As someone inn a masquerade
Someone unseen.

My dabbling in theater hast taught me well
In how to cover up and be someone else.
With ease it comes and I lose of myself.

I look in the mirror and at times I wonder-
What is your name? Do I know who you are?
My confidence makes me seem as though I have much.
Though down deep there is not as such.

There re some days when I wish my masquerade
Would come off for everyone to see.
What it is like to be me.

And then I remember everyone has one too.
Unless you are a spouse you can never really see
the person in front of you fully.
For we all have a masquerade and the world
is our Ball.




The Strength of one person
The Strength of one person is not tested by weights
It is the ability to see things through
The strength of one person is
persistence in things and loving those
who hurt you.
The Strength of one person
can be unseen, the person
can even wear a skirt.
The Strongest person need not
show it off
Because true strength of the inside
is such that is known to ourselves only
and therefore we need not to boast.